Leaving
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: "Jeff Sterling, I love you, and I could see the point in dying if you did." A rather dark hurt/comfort


**Grrr. I just feel like being super dark and awful, but I don't wanna scare any of you, so we'll see how this goes.**

**Also, don't you all just, like… hate school? I mean, I love it, but… GAH. I hate it. **

Do you ever just have one of those weeks? Jeff did. All the time. It was funny how something so small could leave him so devastated, so raw… Nick liked to call it "over thinking", how he would meditate over the tiniest parts of his life and let them eat at him. Jeff liked to call it "his life". His _life_ was something to be upset over, to dwell on, not because it was awful but because _he_ was awful.

But maybe it was over thinking. Jeff sometimes liked to call it that, too, on his good days, but then the bad ones would roll around again and "over thinking" became a problem, which meant there was a problem with him, and suddenly he found himself in the bottom of a pit and unable to claw his way out.

Why… why did things have to hurt so badly? Everything was so hard, and Jeff… Jeff just wanted to pull the plug. He was so _tired_, and he just… he didn't know what to do anymore. His skin itched like there were ants running around beneath it, he was so upset with himself. Those little ants were a constant reminder, crawling and eating through him, and he needed them _out. _He needed them to _stop_, just _stop, _why won't it_ stop?_

And that's what sent the blade through Jeff's wrists the first time.

* * *

><p>Jeff needed Nick. He needed him <em>now. <em>Trent was doing his best to take care of him, but there was only so much he could do. He needed _Nick_. Not Trent. Not Wes, who Trent was calling. Not David who would probably tag along with the other council member. Nick. And fast.

Because things weren't supposed to go down this way. Everything was supposed to be a secret, his own secret. Why did anyone else have to know? They didn't care. They didn't have to; there wasn't a reason for it, so why didn't they let him be? Just let him be; let him get it _out_. It could make things better; it could take them _away_; it could _help_. Why wouldn't anyone help? _Someone had to help_.

"The heck- _Jeff!_"

Oh, thank goodness. Miraculously, Nick was for some reason in the Warbler's block bathroom. Jeff barely looked up fast enough to see his roommate coming towards him, fear shining in his eyes, before he was encompassing him in a hug. Jeff shuddered painfully in Nick's arms. "Ni-Nickp-pea," he stammered, and the other boy was holding him so, so tight that it _hurt_, but Jeff couldn't seem to stop tearing at the back of Nick's blazer to somehow get him closer.

"Don't worry about it," Nick said softly in his ear, sensing his unease and planting a kiss to Jeff's temple. "Don't worry about it. Oh God, _Jeff_- Jeff. Just… just calm down, don't cry," he babbled, pulling him in more and more with every word. Jeff could hear the surprise and the panic in his voice, but what could he do? What was he supposed to do? He was Jeff. He couldn't actually do _anything._ "Don't cry, oh _shit_- No. No. It's okay. Don't cry."

"I-I-," he tried to speak, just now realizing that he was sobbing all over the place and becoming more upset by it than he was before. He was just so _scared._ "Nick. 'M ruin'ng e'ryth-thing. I ruin _ev'rything_," he gasped, noting the way his tears were staining the navy of the other boy's blazer and all the blood was seeping through the parts of his white button down that were touching him and the ground. "You hafta g't o-off," he hiccupped, and Jeff felt Nick tense as he lowered his arms so he could get up and walk away.

"Never," he said, voice strong and sure as he buried his nose into Jeff's shoulder for a second, but he didn't understand. Why wasn't he walking away? Everyone always ended up walking away. "I'm not letting you go ever again," he told him definitely, and suddenly Jeff felt weak. So honestly and truthfully weak. He felt his body go limp against Nick's, hating how he was now relying on him to keep him upright.

You know what was hilarious? How not only could the small things put him at his worst, but big things like running razors across his wrists could leave him filling fulfilled until moments like this. Because this whole thing… all of these cuts… this is what had been keeping him afloat. This is what helped him wake up in the morning, but then… but then stupid _Trent_ had to freaking come in and… and _stop _him. And now things were all over –Jeff knew it- but he _needed_ this.

And, crap, there was blood on the floor, and blood on his hands, and blood streaming up and down his arms, and _where was it all coming from_? He almost… he almost wished it would all flood out, so he didn't have to deal with this. He couldn't _deal with this anymore_.

"N-Nick," Jeff gagged, but he wasn't sure why. He fisted his hands tighter into the shorter boy's sufficiently wrinkled and ruined blazer, the material growing slick with his blood, tears, and –ew- snot. He felt him shift in his arms, and Jeff buried his face into the crook of his neck as Nick turned around a bit.

"Trent, would you mind?" Nick asked, and the slightly pudgy Warbler nodded before spinning on his heel and darting for the door. Jeff wasn't surprised. Every time he was hurt they left. Everyone left. He knew it was coming. "Honey, it's okay…" Nick said as the door slammed behind him. Jeff hated slamming doors. It meant things were over… done. He felt a new rush of emotions sweep over him, and suddenly he was crying too hard to breathe, and Nick had brought his head down to his chest, telling him to inhale and exhale with him. Jeff tried, but everything was hazy and confusing, and which way was he supposed to be breathing again? How did he do that?

"You're gonna leave," Jeff managed to shove out of his throat before his shoulders were wracking as he failed to take in another gulp of air. Nick's finger's laced through his hair, effectively hugging Jeff tight against his chest. He shook his head, and Jeff could feel it brush against the top of his own.

"I'm not leaving," he responded.

"Ev'ryone d-does," Jeff retaliated, slipping his arms around Nick's waist and holding on like someone was trying to tear them apart. Probably because it kinda felt that way to Jeff. He was going to leave. Everyone left. His friends left when he was afraid after coming out, his teachers left when he was teased in the hallway, the other kids left after they had beaten him up so he couldn't move, his dad left when he had to go to the hospital because of his peers and he found out how terrible and _gay_ he really was, his mom made _him_ leave for Dalton when the bashing didn't stop or slow down…

People left when he was in pain, so Jeff had to hide. He had to hide everything, but then Trent _found_ him, and… And what was he supposed to do? He didn't want to _feel this way_. How come things still hurt like this even though no one was touching him anymore? He hadn't been beat up, but everything still ached, and now Nick was going to _leave_. He couldn't _leave_.

"But I love you, Jeff. You know that. I love you, every part of you," Nick explained patiently, but no. No, Jeff _didn't _know. Nick kept telling him that everyday, and Jeff said it right back and meant it, but he didn't see how Nick could. He was worth it; Jeff wasn't. Crap, _he was going to leave_. Jeff pulled himself up and looped his arms around Nick's neck, now damp from him crying on it. It hurt to hold him, his arms were so shredded, but he couldn't seem to find it within himself to let go. The blood was drying on his wrists, but somehow the floor was still slick. Jeff was ashamed. He couldn't do anything right.

"You're gonna _leave_," Jeff repeated because… because what else was there to say? Jeff was trembling, but he couldn't tell if it was because of him or if Nick was the one shaking. The brunette's hands were suddenly all over him, desperately pawing him closer. How could he possibly get closer?

"Jeff," Nick's voice cracked, and guilt pierced Jeff's heart. He was making him cry… Nick was too beautiful to cry… "Jeff, you're not listening," he choked, "_Listen to me_. I _love_ you. I've always loved you, but you can't… you can't _do_ _this _to yourself. You have- you have to tell m-me because I-I _need_ you, and I… Jeff, I'm here. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here." Nick pulled away from him and brought his hands, rusted over with blood, to Jeff's face, holding his head up so their eyes _had_ to meet. "I'm right here. Honey, I'm _right here_. And I'm not… _going_ anywhere." Jeff coughed, breath caught in his throat, and Nick leaned in to rest their foreheads together. "Let me in. _Let me in_. Don't… don't…"

It was Nick's to gasp for air.

"I'm _here_," he whispered, nose to nose and eyes closed. Jeff rolled into Nick's touch, nuzzling their faces together before letting his teeth just barely graze at the other boy's bottom lip. All in a moment. But Nick pulled away, kissing Jeff's cheek before leaning their foreheads together again, never opening his eyes for a moment. Jeff could feel him, hot beneath his fingertips. Nick… Nick, Nick, Nick, his Nick.

"I know," he answered, but he didn't. He didn't know _anything_. The cuts on his wrists burned as Nick brought his arms down, his thumbs running across them lightly. Nick's eyes fluttered open and met Jeff's. His hands lazily trailed up Jeff's arms to meet behind his head. He frowned.

"You hurt yourself."

"I did," Jeff answered quietly, allowing Nick to fold him up and sit him in his lap as he leaned against the bathroom wall. Looking around, there wasn't _really _as much blood as Jeff had thought there had been. The floor had been wet from washed hands and fast showers so it had just stained all the water red. Plus, the stuff truly did have a habit of getting everywhere. It streaked across Nick's forearms and had set into his roomie's shirt. Jeff himself was coated in the stuff, splotches of it all over him, even on his socks.

"Why would you do that?" he asked, and Jeff didn't know how to answer. Crap, how was he supposed to answer? His brain couldn't seem to come up with anything that sounded normal, and his head slumped onto Nick's shoulder. Suddenly, he felt exhausted.

"Nick…" he groaned, voice weak and quiet as he tried to get the other boy to let his question go, but a nudge of the knee goaded him on. He bit his lip, somehow managing to pull a leg up to his chest, despite how knotted up he was in Nick's limbs, and hug it tight as his mind raced. "I don't know," he sighed. "It just… it hurt too much," he whispered. Nick responded in a voice just as low as his own.

"Then why would you keep doing it?" he asked. _Those were might thoughts exactly, Nickpea_, Jeff thought sadly. He shook his head a little, and his blond bangs –having grown a bit too long- stabbed him in the eyes.

"I don't mean the…" he gulped. "The _cuts_," he spat out. "I mean… _life_." Jeff's face burned in humiliation. He didn't like this. He didn't want to have to admit that he couldn't handle things like other kids could. It made him feel stupid, and Jeff _hated_ feeling stupid. Gah, why couldn't he do anything right? "And I just… I don't know. I don't know why I keep doing it…" he trailed off, and he got the feeling that Nick knew he was talking less about cutting and more about living.

"How long?" Nick asked curtly, and Jeff had known him long enough to tell that he was trying not to cry or break down for him. Jeff played with the laces on his shoe, not making eye contact with him.

"I've only been doing it a few weeks, Nicky. You haven't missed much…" Nick vehelmently shook his head.

"_No_. No. I mean, how long have you been… been _thinking_ like that, Jeff?" he asked, and that feeling Jeff had earlier about Nick knowing became a certainty. He wanted to move, get out of his lap, but he felt stuck. What if he got up and Nick left? Because that's what happened when people see your pain, and Jeff… Jeff couldn't have him leave. Not now anyways.

"Since eighth grade," he answered, but started rambling in response to the hurt look in Nick's eyes. "But I didn't do anything, Nick! Not until now, I promise, I just… I don't know, I guess…" Nick set his jaw and grabbed both of Jeff's hands. Jeff kept talking, despite his hard stare. "It would be so much easier, Nick. You don't get it. You're so perfect and… you just don't get it, but that's okay, cause neither do I, but… It's gotta get easier, Nick, you don't know. You're gonna leave, and then I'm gonna be alone, and then it's gonna be too _hard_ for me," he prattled off, and suddenly he was lost in Nick's eyes.

"You listen to me," he said sternly, his hold on his hands too tight for comfort. His shoulders shook with all kinds of emotions, and Jeff just nodded. He would listen. "Jeff Sterling, I love you, and I could see the point in dying if you did. I can't live with out you just as much as you can't live without me, so don't you _dare_ be the one to leave someone who won't or can't go anywhere this time. _I love you_ -I _chose_ you- and I'm not going anywhere," he explained, and Jeff felt tears well in his eyes.

"I'm so _scared_," he breathed, and Nick was rubbing his eyes try with the back of his hand.

"Me too," he replied, voice small. "But I have you, Jeff. Don't let me loose you. I could have… I could have lost you. If I hadn't seen… If I hadn't been here…" he trailed off, and Jeff could see the gears in his head turn through his eyes.

"If I hadn't left the door unlocked?" Jeff asked with a miniscule laugh, and Nick pouted, punching him gently in the arm. Jeff threw on a face of mock horror, rubbing his arm like Nick had hurt him. "Ouch!" As intended, Jeff drew a small smile out of Nick, but it quickly fell off his face as his boyfriend threw himself at him, arms wrapping tight around his waist again.

"I love you," he said, sounding just as tired as Jeff felt. He nodded.

"I won't leave you."

**Hmmm. I expected this to be far longer, but I'm pleased, so whatever. I tend to match my story with the angst I'm feeling, and write it up a couple notches, if that makes sense. So this week I'm really sad, so I figured I'd make Jeff really sad.**

It's pretty therapeutic. I'd go for it.


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